Gary L. Korkuc: True American Zero


Recently young Anthony Mandich was befriended by a Law Enforcement Official who we will refer to only as LT in case he is working undercover.  LT saw potential in our scrappy hero and thus was born a strange new era in the ever unfolding saga of Sizzletits Mandich.  From this unlikely pairing has emerged a tale which boggles the mind and assaults the senses with conflicting and disparate images.   It seems that a moron from Buffalo, New York, a man by the name of Gary L. Korkuc was recently stopped by law enforcement officers after failing to stop at a stop sign.

What happened next is just incredible in every sense of the word.  As the officer was walking towards the rear of Mr. Korkuc’s 1973 black AMC Gremlin with the faded green pinstriping, custom mag wheels and “BABY LET’S FUCK!” bumper sticker, from the trunk came a plaintive and heart wrenching mewling.  The officer, Sgt. John Poisson, described it as a cross between a full grown male chimpanzees death rattle and the sound Oprah Whinfrey makes when she is brought to the brink of orgasm by Dr. Phil during their monthly “business meetings”.

The SWOT team for the Greater Buffalo New York Episcopalian Volunteer Policeperson’s League was dispatched immediately and Mr. Korkuc was ordered out of his vehicle at gunpoint and forced to open the trunk.  Fearing that the deranged suspect had possibly kidnapped a chimpanzee from the zoo (it was thought unlikely that Korkuc could have possibly gotten close enough to Orca Whinfrey to kidnap her), the ASPCA for Buffalo was also dispatched and representatives were on hand when Mr. Korkuc opened the trunk.

As the trunk slowly lifted, the witnesses there recall being hit with an odd scent, something akin to Korean BBQ.  One of the ambulance drivers at the scene, Paramedic 3rd Class Bill Idget, described it as follows:

“the smell was like something out of a comic book version of MasterChef, I mean it was nutty.  I’ve taken some cooking classes and I consider myself a passable gourmand and I tell you what, if it weren’t for the subtle lingering scents of cat shit and Old Spice, I would have sworn we were in a fancy restaurant at a cozy little table for two next to the kitchen.  It smelled delicious.  I don’t know exactly what kind of seasonings that cracked out motherfucker Korkuc was using to marinate little Navarro in, but he had it right whatever it was.  I’m telling you it smelled great man.  Hey I gotta run, I’m gonna try and catch him, maybe get the recipe for that marinade…..”

What was the source for this odd scent?  Imagine everyone’s shock and horror when they found Navarro, a 4 year old Norwegian Forest Cat, with black fur and a gentle disposition (12 pounds, 6 ounces), sitting in a massive crock pot and covered in a marinade consisting of  rare olive oil, sliced red peppers, a dash of salt, two garlic cloves and the juice of two limes.  Korkuc had even gone as far as to force a crabapple into Navarro’s mouth and secure it there with super glue and a 3 inch length of duct tape.

Here are the suspect and his pet cat Navarro, seen here during happier times

Law enforcement officers moved quickly to dispense cutlery and napkins to dispel the crowd and Mr. Korkuc was taken into custody without further incident and charge with a bevy of offenses ranging from Food Code Violations to Animal Cruelty to Being an Idiot.

He is presently being held on $1,000 bail at the Cheektowaga County Jail and is due in court on August 19th, 2010.  More updates to this fascinating tale will be given as they are uncovered.

3 thoughts on “Gary L. Korkuc: True American Zero

  1. hahahaha you made that shit up right? i mean i heard about the cat but you made up all that detailed stuff!!! awesssssssssssssssssssssssssssome!

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  2. That isnt the cat that he had in his trunk.The cat he had or was going to eat that sick S.O.B was a Black cat with white on its belly.But good story.This guy was just found Not Guilty and I hope they find him in someones trunk only not breathing.

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