Sometimes I start to think that I’m sick in the head and that my soul is in peril. It would not be a huge leap for anyone that knows me to believe that my middle name was actually Trouble. Trouble and me are pretty close friends but thankfully we haven’t gone too far down the road together. I guess I like cruising around on the periphery of his world but I wouldn’t want to get caught behind the Trouble County Line after dark if you know what I mean.
Hard for me to take any kind of credit for that though. I’ve been blessed beyond belief with a mother who has always stood by me regardless of the circumstances. My mom’s name is Heather and I am not worthy of the generosity she has bestowed upon me with not much in return thus far. I could write a book. A literal book filled with story upon story of Heather saving my ass time after time after time.
Have you ever had someone in your life who you cared about and tried to help? Yes you have. How about someone you have helped but they didn’t seem to care? As in not much gratitude was shown. I’m sure most people can answer yes to this as well. The number of downward spiraling questions I would have to keep asking to get you to the point where I am with my mom would boggle the mind. I mean my mom could have answered yes to the second question when I was 2 probably.
How about this? Have you ever gotten mortally sick and fucking tired of helping someone that doesn’t get it? Like they are fucking retarded or something. And you get sick of helping them and putting yourself out for them. They don’t appreciate it. In fact they seem to resent you for it as shocking as that seems. After a while you get sick of that shit right? Eventually you come to a point where enough is enough and you have had it up to here with this ungrateful sob. You have it out with him/her and announce that you are “done” and thats the end of it. They pretty much cease to exist for you in any tangible way and you just move on because there are too many deserving people in this world to justify wasting any more time and energy on a selfish know it all idiot who doesn’t learn from his mistakes.
Well my mom has been “done” with me at least 1,256 times in my life. I have been so stupid its almost a fucking joke to consider. I have no idea why that woman has continued to love me and help me for as long as she has. This is not to say that she doesn’t get super pissed off at me and stuff. She does. Super pissed. The amazing thing about Heather, my mom, is that she really doesn’t hold a grudge against me. After a bit, if I genuinely seem to change my attitude and start trying to do the right thing, its easy to get her back on my side and believing in my inherent “good sonlyness”.
I’m not explaining this in order to make light of the situation in any way. I’m not trying to point out that my mom is a sucker that should have opened her eyes to reality years ago and written me off for good back then. Many people would be agreeing with that sentence though. I’m sure she hears it from all sorts of people. In fact, I know that she does. I can’t blame them and certainly I would never blame her if she did just walk away and wash her hands of it all. There would be no guilt on her conscience because she has done 1,000 times more then she should have to make sure that I have chances to be a happy and productive kid in this big bad world.
I just know that if I didn’t have my mother around, I would be hard pressed to continue to believe that the world is essentially a good place. My mom is that stable, firmly grounded and steadfast rock that has always kept my head above water and I am truly grateful for her continued support and love.
Everyone thinks that they are special. I know it sounds incredibly stupid but “I KNOW that I’m special”. God has a plan for me, a destiny that I need to survive long enough to fulfill. Has anyone ever read “A Prayer for Owen Meany”? If you have you know what I’m talking about already. If you haven’t then sorry. I don’t have time to explain it.
I want something good to die for to make it beautiful to live.
Some days like today for instance, I get the hairs on my arms standing up and this really super deja vu-ish feeling that flows through my head and keeps tantalizing me with the idea that I am an integral part of God’s master plan for my era. Shit, that sounds so delusional. Unrealistic delusion of grandeur. Classic symptoms of any one of a dozen personality disorders. Still, the feeling is unshakable.
And so I continue to bob and weave the punches I throw at myself. Finding my way to this destiny has been a journey that I wish upon nobody.
I have a hard time staying out of my own line of fire. If there is a devil, and I’m pretty sure there is, so far he’s just laughing at the lack of a challenge that I present. He doesn’t even have to throw any of his demons my way. Why waste assets when I’m doing a fine job of fucking things up myself? I guess my only real resolution for the year 2011 is to possibly find a way to let the natural blessings that are bestowed upon me bear the fruit they are intended to bear. How dumb is that to consider? Real dumb. That’s all that God is asking of me at the moment. Just to stay out of my own way for a little bit.
Its not to much to ask. I may be finally ready to do this. Let’s hope so.
By the way that picture of the adorable little tyke and the woman that you can see at the beginning of this post is me and my grandmother.