So I have this magnifying glass thing that I got from the inside of a huge projection tv that was dumped on the side of this dirt road off of Indian Truck Trail (15 Freeway) on the outskirts of Corona, almost in Lake Elsinore. The dirt road led to this shooting range that my friends manage. My friend Stephanie Kelly takes it upon herself to police the trash that she finds along the road in order to keep the place in pristine condition and we were leading this party of crazy fucking gun shooting dudes up to the shooting range one day about a month ago when we noticed the tv. After opening up the gate to the range, getting the gun crazy pistol enthusiasts all settled in for their day of shooting targets, miscellaneous birds and stray dogs, we piled back into her So Cal Sandbags work truck and started the short journey back to the compound.
We stopped to pick up this mammoth fucking television and throw it in the back of the truck for disposal back at So Cal’s yard. Although I was a little reticent to start hauling up all this trash into the back of the truck i didn’t complain because I was pretty sure we were going to be heading to Pechanga Casino for some gambling adventure once the minor situation with this monstrosity of a television set that had been dumped on So Cal’s tribal land was taken care of. You might think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill when I refer to this tv as a monstrosity but I shit you not this fucking thing was enormous. In its heyday, circa 1994 or so, these rear projection tvs were a must have for anyone thirsty for status and recognition. Easily topping the scales at over a ton, and seemingly 12 feet high, this was the kind of television that took over the entire house and was a point of sneering pride for yuppie first generation early adopters who could boast of having a virtual movie theatre in their houses. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this tv was big and was pretty hard to get into the back of the truck that day.
To make it a bit easier on us, I set about destroying the thing by basically kicking it to pieces that were easy for a lady and a not overly macho dude like myself to pick up and load in the truck. Inside the guts of the dinosaur were these three magnifying glass things that made the whole clean up effort more then worth it for me.
This thing was like a souped up version of the magnifying glass you used to burn insects up with as a youth. Basically a very powerful lens that I figured I could use for general mischief..
Time warp forward to this afternoon (does that make sense??). Duh. Who fucking knows. Anyways me and April Shand were assisting my mother in packing up her remaining belongings here at the Cowshit Castle today. I went to the far back yard which resembles a junk yard at this point to salvage some more useful items which we might possibly sell at the garage sale we are going to hold this coming Friday. I found a box of new but weather beaten sprinkler parts, pvc pipes and shit like that in an area that used to contain a shed in the junk yard I just described. I brought it up to the main staging area for garage sale shit located at the left side of our house and set it on the ground. As I was pulling my hand away from the box I saw something move into a piece of small pvc pipe about an inch from where my thumb just was. It was some kind of insect and it sort of scared me a little to know that my hand had been so close to it. I immediately went searching for April.
She was in the garage with my mom, Heather Davies and this other lady Barbara who was assisting my mother in this never fucking ending project. I had her follow me into the kitchen in search of something poisonous to spray the vile insect with so we could proceed with cleaning up the box of junk and making it resemble something your normal yard sale junkie would be interested in. I grabbed some tile grout cleaner while April decided to run with the Windex. We made our way back to the box that contained the little pest. As we went through the sliding glass door that led to the back yard I commented to April, “little does this little motherfucker realize that this is his last minute on the planet”. In my mind I was comparing it to people who die suddenly, going about their normal business completely unaware that unforeseen circumstances are about to suddenly happen that snatches their life away in an instant.
I felt bad about what I was about to do. For about 1/2 a second then I laughed at myself. I’m not Buddhist or whatever religion it is that believes it is immoral to cause the death of any living thing. I mean don’t get me wrong I don’t go around killing puppy dogs or shooting ducks in the park but bugs freak me out a little and I say fuck them. Especially if they scare me for some reason…once that happens its usually the end for the little critter. I especially don’t like cockroaches or black widows. They fill me with disgust and revulsion and (I’m not going to lie) fear!
Long story longer lol, we get there to the box, I grab the pipe to see what the fuck it was that so sneakily crawled into it and what do I see immediately that gets my heart pumping and a prayer of gratitude finding its way to my lips? The red hourglass, (the BIG red hourglass) on the massive fucking belly of a nasty, dsigusting, huge, very alive BLACK WIDOW spider. I hate black widows. They give me the creeps big time.
We proceeded to spray the shit out of HER big ass with our toxic chemicals which only seemed to piss her off. She got out of the box and started hightailing it towards my ankle. I knew that she would never stop until I was dead. April screamed and couldn’t seem to contain her rising panic. I was right there with her, starting to lose my cool, my composure and maybe the contents of my bowels hahahhaha if something didn’t change soon. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the magnifying lens. Luckily the sun had just peeked its welcome face out of the clouds. The vision of a vampire finding itself without a coffin to crawl into once dawn hit was running through my brain.
The concrete area that contained the dazed but still lethal bitch was quickly cordoned off with “DO NOT CROSS-POLICE INVESTIGATION IN PROGRESS” crime scene tape. Without a second thought about the murder I was about to commit, I steadied my shaking hand, grabbed a Pall Mall and tested my apparatus by lighting it using only the light provided by the sun channeled through this lens. In one second flat the cigarette was lit and I proceeded to pop it into my mouth and suck away at the toxic death stick, greedy for its smoothing smoke to find its way into my tarnished but still functioning lungs. I wasn’t so scared when I saw the awesome power of the sun harnessed by my lens and I knew it was finally going to be lights out for my would be killer.
My mom came through the gate just as the laser beam started frying the black widow and it started to frantically crawl away, desperate to escape the torch that was burning a hole in its venom filled belly. April and I were in a state of manic, fear induced hysteria caused by our interaction with death on 8 legs and we barely noticed my moms arrival. Without a word my no nonsense momma grabbed a piece of paper, knelt down and picked up the spider and smashed it to death in her hands. She threw the soiled paper containing the now destroyed destroyer into the trash can and told me to stop playing around and get back to work.
April and I looked at each other, realizing how close to death we had been and how lucky we were to escape, shrugged, stood up, and silently followed my mother back into the garage to begin another adventure.
Yes, I tortured a spider. No, I don’t feel guilty.
I’d do it again if given the chance…..