i love it when the pulpit comes out. The cliches start rolling. The condemnation for a lifestyle that doesn’t fit into the status quo.
Stumbling, slurring, lunatic drunk family members start preaching to me about drugs and the room fills up with contempt on one side and blah blah blah hypocrisy on the other.
Put it in front of me and I will take it, subtly twist it and give it back to you in ways you can’t imagine. Smile to my face, pity me while you throw me to the wolves. Join a bandwagon of some kind.
How about the “Get a Job you Lazy Bum” Bandwagon? That sounds as good as any to me. Don’t dare to practice tolerance. Be rigid. Think inside the box little person. I give you the sense that I don’t think at all. Little do you know that all I do is think.
No time in this life for me to be bitter, as for the hypocrisy I see, you see, it takes a hypocrite to know a hypocrite and surely I’m not as stupid as you pretend that I am.
Talk in your hushed whipsers. Pretend that I am only a child who can’t be trusted with sharp knives. Delude yourself into thinking that I’m incapable of caring for myself. Its okay.
I’m not angry in fact I deserve all the recriminations that you can wad up and throw at me. Hit me with your best shot I’ve already shown myself I can take it. Take it and take it and take it some more and still wake up with a smile on my face and in my untainted heart.
My soul is intact despite what my eyes have seen, my ears have heard. Despite the bridges by the dozen that my larcenous treacherous gambling brain has burned to the ground. Its a big world.
I’m a sinner but not a mortal sinner. I’m bad but I’m not evil. Although the road to hell is paved with good intentions, my personal road to salvation is still in front of me along with my dreams.
Grace is remarkable. God is truly amazing. Enigmatic pretty verily sums up so many things.
There is no black nor white for me on most issues there are varying shades of grey. I’m crazy but in a good way.
I’m not repenting from death row I haven’t killed anyone you see. My sins run to the petty variety. Sure there are plenty of them that is without a doubt a true statement. Paper cuts if you will. I’ve inflicted an untold number of paper cuts on everyone I’ve ever come in contact with but more so to myself.
I’m not depressed although I often get frustrated.
Sunny days I feel His grace and I know that I am a loved child of God. Goddammit I take that name in vain its wrong but He’s strong and I tend to be foolish at times.
I haven’t grown up yet you see.
Experience is a folly for the soft but I’ve got mettle.
Shedding my stubborn ways embracing the flexibility I should have embraced years ago but why look back in anger? What will that get done for you? Not much to be sure not much.
Let the haters hate they always will. I gossip too and bandwagon jump and lack the courage of my convictions
but I’ve suffered you see and I’ve survived and when push comes to shove
I will have something good to die for you see its making it beautiful to live.
Future and time and dreams ahead and it will all come to pass the way it should come to pass and if you doubt me then doubt me I couldn’t care less it hurts me for a bubble eyed goldfish second then I move on unscathed.
It’s not revenge I seek nor do I wish to shove my future miracles in your face because you can’t be blamed for doubting me I doubt myself don’t you see but experience and the heaviest sense of destiny tell me sing to me preach to me pound into me like a nail that there is more to my existence.
I was put here for a reason and its not as a lesson of what not to do or how not to act. I’ve been foolish but I’m not a fool. I’m a clown but not like John Wayne Gacy or Pennywise from IT.
Maybe at the end of the day I will give people something to believe in. Maybe I will restore faith in the inherent goodness that I still believe exists in the world despite the many shining example of “People you’ll see in hell”. Those are lost souls and I don’t know why and I care about the victims but i don’t care about the motherfucking bastards that are featured in that website. Don’t know how they got that way and its not up to me to explain or lose my faith in that goodness I just referred to.
Its there and I’m humble enough to pray that the grace that has kept me going this long doesn’t fizzle out or erode like the good will I usually encounter then lose with the humans that I push pull bend twist demand annoy and ultimately lose as good will ambassadors in my saga.
My life is littered with them and its all my fault but my journey is not done and someway someday I’m going to pick up a couple passengers that are going to see this thing through with me.
Right to the very end.
I’ll cry in the face of unswerving unbending uncompromising loyalty but they will be tears of joy.
For now like Ella’s mother once told me I will just think of you all bathed in a pool of white light.
Stream of consciousness fades for today.
Good day lovely day hold the sun in my hands today.