Cootch Tobacco and the Red Hybrid Earthworm


Now that is a catchy title if I’ve ever heard one. I’m just sitting here again in my room because I am one broke donkey boy at the minute. Actually I do have twenty dollars I think. But yeah for the most part I am broke. The cootch tobacco story isn’t that interesting either to be honest with you. Quickly…..Clarice who is Avondra’s mother and a huge pain in my ass, bummed a cigarette off of Georgie earlier in my room when we were having dinner and learning the intricacies of Georgie’s latest hustle, selling farm raised earthworms to fishermen and farmers and people who love gardening and thus also love soil which is enhanced greatly by the cast off from worms. I consider Georgie to be my brother in law despite the fact that he was never legally married to my sister Louisa. She never actually divorced her husband Smithy before she died so legally she never became Georgie’s wife. Despite that fact and the fact that the rest of my family apart from myself loathe Georgie. They despise him. Ha ha ha. I just like to rub it in that’s why I am repeating it and stressing this aspect. In a way, I think by stressing the dislike he feels from the rest of the family it makes him more likely to seek my approval in all things so naturally I will still like him and he won’t feel like such a pariah when it comes to thinking about my dead sister Louisa. It’s a whole urban white guilt thing slash reparation for his great great great grandfather allegedly being a slave owner slash reparation for his great great great grand uncle Josiah allegedly being an avid Indian fighter and killer slash reparation for whatever part he may have played in my sister deciding to end her life and jumping off of the Old Talahassee Bridge back in 2006 after seeing the movie Ode To Billy Joe one morning while under the influence of red wine and valium. So I haven’t even seen Georgie since our last caper together a couple of years before when he had the grand idea of taking out all of the copper wire and piping in the granny shack located on the property owned by his granny. The stupid thing that he didn’t tell me as we were stripping away was that his granny’s sister’ s son Tonito lived in the granny shack with his dog Alpo and seventeen kittens. I think the total tally for that caper was $158.34 received (after a 3 day hold initiated by the recycling company) and $1834 owed for repairs to the shack. Before we were even able to receive the lousy $158.34 we had already gotten a bill from his granny’s plumber and electrician as well as caning from his grandmother and our names and pictures posted in the local rag under the headline Wanted With Or Without A Brain. Suffice to say that I thought Georgie was a misguided fuckup for the most part but still a good soul for some reason. I had personally never held him responsible for any of his supposed misdeeds related to his relationship with Louisa. I think a good portion of my empathy for Georgie in this regard is because I grew up with Louisa and I knew only all too well what she was really all about at times. That’s not meant to dishonor the dead in any way and I miss her terribly to this very day but trust me it takes two to tango and Louisa danced the best tango in the Inland Empire if you ask me. She fought like a man, cussed like a sailor, fucked like a beast, smoked crack like Darryl Strawberry and packed the rare combination of a great uppercut and the sharpest tongue I have ever heard, will ever hear, and whatever other dramatic proclamation I can come up with really quickly, under pressure which is none. So I give Georgie the benefit of the doubt on Louisa and keep him close to my heart because I know she wants it that way. Anyways he ended up going to jail over that copper mining incident and I hadn’t seen him since Clarice was maybe 2 months pregnant and our kid Avondra is already two years old so that was a long time ago.

When you are reading these types of introductions to what seem like they are going to be really long drawn out stories and it turns out that the introduction ends up being the longest and most detailed part of the story does that make you mad or does it in reality make you kind of relieved? I’m thinking it should be relieved because I am opening up so many different avenues of thought that if I were to follow each part of the thread to its ultimate conclusion then I would be working on this fucking manuscript as my full time job for the rest of my life.

Dammit….where was I? Oh yeah the cootch tobacco and Georgie’s earthworms. First of all let’s clarify that these are red hybrid earthworms and not the ordinary angleworms most of you have probably seen writhing on your sidewalk after a rain and then drying up and shriveling up when the Africa hot sun comes out twenty minutes later. To make a long story short, with just a modest investment and a little ingenuity and faith and patience it can be a real boost to a man’s wallet this raising of red hybrid earthworms. Also they are a lively and hardy creature, much smarter than angleworms and a prized and much sought after addition to anyone interested in soil that is rich in phosphorus, nitrogen and all of the other ingredients necessary to grow vegetables and flowers and whatever else. And the profit margin when making sales to fishermen is something like a multiple of 17.5 or something in that range. In other words only limited by the literal number of unique fishermen you ship and sell to. Georgie had me in mind for a possible partnership and I also think he wanted to come visit me and hug on me for a while as well as see my kid, smoke some dope, do some casino gambling and show off his girlfriend who far outshines his past two, both of them very nice girls but a little on the thick side and a little on the crazy side.   Enough time had passed since Louisa’s death I guess, that Georgie felt he didn’t have to be so respectful and could start dating some good looking pussy. So it was a combination of all this shit that brought Georgie out my way tonight and now lets get to the cootch tobacco which is simply that Clarice bummed a cigarette off of Georgie and ended up leaving it sitting on the bed when she snuck out into the hallway to casually eavesdrop on my conversation with Paula, a dental hygienist from Pasadena with big boobs who had a bit of a crush on me. By leaving her cigarette alone in front of Avondra she was tempting fate because she didn’t realize that I had been training Avondra in the fine art of cigarette shredding since the tender age of six months. It just so happened that Avondra had just gotten out of the bathtub and was standing next to the bed in her birthday suit, still a little damp, when Clarice started her recon mission down the 7th floor hallway to see what dirt she could get on me which is actually none because Paula is a married woman who just wanted to be friends with a good looking bad boy rebel and maybe more than friends but only in her mind. When we returned to the room after I had quickly caught on to Clarice and her shoddy surveillance techniques and put an immediate end to the operation by asking her just what the fuck she was doing standing so close to me in her ninja outfit from last Halloween holding a personal recording device, the type made so famous by President Nixon during the scandal and uproar caused by whatever the hell he did to those people at the Watergate Hotel way back when. I wish I knew more about that story too but I didn’t know more than the rest of the population who were given the basic facts which are:   several bad guys posing as gay democrats in town for a rainbow coalition flag raising event and wine tasting at the Watergate Hotel who slipped several roofies and hits of acid to some real conventioneers causing them to have a bad trip and pass out naked on the lawn of the white house which initially was reported as the irresponsible and disrespectful antics of the democrats, the lame duck party in both houses who were apparently so attention starved that they were desperate for interaction and recognition from the press that they got out of control. Anyways it turned out of course that the persons responsible for all of the mayhem were actually Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, his wife Pat, and several of his frat brothers from his time spent at Rutgers University in the Sigma Smegma Nu fraternity. Apparently some porn was filmed that portrayed Mrs. Nixon in a decidedly non female light and she used her considerable powers as the first lady to get the video footage from the night redacted by several minutes thus cutting out the humiliating gender bending episode. This all led to Mr. Nixon being forced to resign the presidency and made black pajamas all the rage for several years except for certain parts of South East Asia like Vietnam and Cambodia.

Anyhow so we went back into the room noticed the shredded tobacco that was extremely easy to see on the blinding white bed spread in the hotel room. Not sure if Avondra shredded that ciggy while laying on the bed or not but apparently from what I heard from Clarice, Avondra had somehow gotten approximately.0000000000000001 lbs. of tobacco in between her toes and very close to touching more private areas which led Clarice to exclaim, “Avondra, WHAT the hell ARE you doing and what have YOU done, why did you have to shred that smoke and make that tobacco stick to your cootch?” This led me to coin the phrase “cootch tobacco” but in reality I don’t even think its that great of a phrase to be honest and its inclusion here tonight only serve to illustrate the point that I’m actually pretty fast even though I never even got to show my skills in raising crazy, motherless children of motherless children.   I seriously hope that you take the time to get to know this story and if you can, maybe you can come up with an alternate ending to at least this one episode which it makes it that much more interesting than the shameless way I went after ratings when I made my cootch tobacco reference. May the good Lord forgive me and all of the other sinners for being so dumb and boring and incredibly self deprecating lol..

Talk about a tale about nothing. For fucks sweet sake man.

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