A Horse with No Name

When I was 14 years old I received a horse for Christmas from my parents. I had been riding horses as much as possible since I turned 11. There was a horse in Mexico named El Bayo that I used to rent and ride whenever possible. His name was pronounced like caballo which is Spanish for horse. I made a little song in Spanish about him and it went like this: Tengo un caballo, su nombre es el Bayo. El Bayo was a bay gelding with a white mark on his forehead and four white hoofs. I would pay $5 USD to the skinny cowboys that ran the little horseback riding outfit that was located pretty close to the area where my Aunty Monica would take all the kids every summer on vacation. We would often stay for the whole summer almost. It was rad. I would get so black it was amazing. My cousins Glenn, Mikey, Donna, Richard, Mark, Joey, Nelson, Rachel, Charlene, Cindy Lou, Timmy, Mitchell, my sister Natalie, and various others would be down there getting pretty crazy. Anyways, El Bayo’s owners put up with me for some reason even though I was a very annoying kid. I learned a lot of Spanish from them and I really loved El Bayo. He was very fast and I used to run him on the beach all the time it was seriously totally cool.

Riding El Bayo part of the year wasn’t enough after a while so I started pestering my parents to get me a horse of my own. Since we lived in the boondocks on Compton Avenue in Corona, it was actually legal for us to own a horse if we wanted one so that was a plus in my eyes. I pretty much hated everything else about living in that house at 18430 Compton Avenue so I figured that having a horse would in some way make up for the unhappiness that pervaded my existence. Somehow I managed to stay on the reasonably good side of my dad that year although it was a challenge. I just walked on eggshells and kept my mouth shut for the most part and on Christmas Day with a bunch of relatives on hand to witness it, I put the snaffle bit on my horse with no name, and the bareback pad and I took him across the street from our house which was just a a big old field and took him for a ride.

That ride was a ride through hell. My horse was an Appaloosa gelding and he was pretty fucking wild. Skittish and really big and powerful and scary actually. I rode him about two hundred yards one way in the field and then when I turned him around he totally bolted. It was scary as hell and when we started approaching the street and all my relatives who had gathered to witness my triumphant ride I could see that he was not going to slow down no matter how hard I pulled on the puny snaffle bit in his mouth. It didn’t have any effect at all and lo and behold I was flying off of his back and landing on my own. Seeing stars, I got up and gingerly walked into the house defeated and sad. That was the way my life went back when I was younger.

Gary L. Korkuc: True American Zero

Recently young Anthony Mandich was befriended by a Law Enforcement Official who we will refer to only as LT in case he is working undercover.  LT saw potential in our scrappy hero and thus was born a strange new era in the ever unfolding saga of Sizzletits Mandich.  From this unlikely pairing has emerged a tale which boggles the mind and assaults the senses with conflicting and disparate images.   It seems that a moron from Buffalo, New York, a man by the name of Gary L. Korkuc was recently stopped by law enforcement officers after failing to stop at a stop sign.

What happened next is just incredible in every sense of the word.  As the officer was walking towards the rear of Mr. Korkuc’s 1973 black AMC Gremlin with the faded green pinstriping, custom mag wheels and “BABY LET’S FUCK!” bumper sticker, from the trunk came a plaintive and heart wrenching mewling.  The officer, Sgt. John Poisson, described it as a cross between a full grown male chimpanzees death rattle and the sound Oprah Whinfrey makes when she is brought to the brink of orgasm by Dr. Phil during their monthly “business meetings”.

The SWOT team for the Greater Buffalo New York Episcopalian Volunteer Policeperson’s League was dispatched immediately and Mr. Korkuc was ordered out of his vehicle at gunpoint and forced to open the trunk.  Fearing that the deranged suspect had possibly kidnapped a chimpanzee from the zoo (it was thought unlikely that Korkuc could have possibly gotten close enough to Orca Whinfrey to kidnap her), the ASPCA for Buffalo was also dispatched and representatives were on hand when Mr. Korkuc opened the trunk.

As the trunk slowly lifted, the witnesses there recall being hit with an odd scent, something akin to Korean BBQ.  One of the ambulance drivers at the scene, Paramedic 3rd Class Bill Idget, described it as follows:

“the smell was like something out of a comic book version of MasterChef, I mean it was nutty.  I’ve taken some cooking classes and I consider myself a passable gourmand and I tell you what, if it weren’t for the subtle lingering scents of cat shit and Old Spice, I would have sworn we were in a fancy restaurant at a cozy little table for two next to the kitchen.  It smelled delicious.  I don’t know exactly what kind of seasonings that cracked out motherfucker Korkuc was using to marinate little Navarro in, but he had it right whatever it was.  I’m telling you it smelled great man.  Hey I gotta run, I’m gonna try and catch him, maybe get the recipe for that marinade…..”

What was the source for this odd scent?  Imagine everyone’s shock and horror when they found Navarro, a 4 year old Norwegian Forest Cat, with black fur and a gentle disposition (12 pounds, 6 ounces), sitting in a massive crock pot and covered in a marinade consisting of  rare olive oil, sliced red peppers, a dash of salt, two garlic cloves and the juice of two limes.  Korkuc had even gone as far as to force a crabapple into Navarro’s mouth and secure it there with super glue and a 3 inch length of duct tape.

Here are the suspect and his pet cat Navarro, seen here during happier times

Law enforcement officers moved quickly to dispense cutlery and napkins to dispel the crowd and Mr. Korkuc was taken into custody without further incident and charge with a bevy of offenses ranging from Food Code Violations to Animal Cruelty to Being an Idiot.

He is presently being held on $1,000 bail at the Cheektowaga County Jail and is due in court on August 19th, 2010.  More updates to this fascinating tale will be given as they are uncovered.